From the stands

By Adam Wakefield

Saturday mornings are the devil’s work. At this moment in time, I am not a happy chappie. The night before has left me in a world where I am five minutes behind everyone else. And where am I at this most sad panda of times? I am watching 12 strapping young men wage a diminished (read hangover) mental war against one another over a chessboard. Whoever decided that the inter-res chess should take place on a Saturday morning has a dark part of their soul that needs a good talking to. I enjoy chess (chicks dig it) but still, a Saturday morning!? That is as evil as allowing the Dutch to bowl to Herschelle
Gibbs (six 6s in one over! Sif).

I’m feeling rather irritable, so I start to think of the little things that annoy the crap out of me, specifically in sport. The image of Peter Cech materialises in my mind. If you don’t know who Peter Cech is, he’s Chelsea’s world class goalkeeper who a few months back got kicked in the skull during a Premiership match. Cech has since returned from injury and now wears what English football commentators refer to lovingly as a “protective head device” on his pip. It’s a bloody scrum cap! How can the world’s richest football league have commentators who refer to a scrum cap as a “protective head device”? Madness!Whatever the English call it, Peter Cech looks like a cupcake which has been rumbled around in a packet of charcoal … just plain silly.

Another silly idiosyncratic dimension of sport is the people that play it sometimes feel they are being watched by readers of self-grooming magazines. Unanswerable questions exist, such as how does Roger Federer always appear to have the same immaculate
hair before and after a game? Why does Victor Matfield bother with gel and why does Herschelle Gibbs (there he is again) feel the need to be in the constant motion of the flex when fielding (those rolled up sleeves are a cry for help … but six 6s! By George!).

These and other life changing questions such as “Are we alone?” and “When will Telkom have competition?” cannot be answered by mere mortals such as I. All we can do is just get over these annoying little lapses from individuals that we view as super human.
We should use these questions as a reminder that sports stars are in fact very much like us (except Kevin Pietersen … he’s just an ass).

I see people get depressed because individuals like Herschelle Gibbs can do extraordinary things and feel that just because he can do that, that makes him a better person. That’s
crap. All because he can create flying Dutchmen (get it?) does not mean he can do anything else better than you or I. So what? It’s just a game. Let me see him do  something truly impossible, like say “Friar’s is a cool place.”

We are the superhuman ones, going to that abysmal place of sadness every weekend and now, they make us pay to immerse ourselves in their aura of kak! Rhodents … I salute


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