By Timmy Hancox
A new year and any amount of peering into the crystal ball could bring half a dozen predictions.
We have the Olympic Games coming from the Orient where our swimmers will look to repeat their Athens success. Besides, there has to be some reward for those poor folk who spend their lives shaving all the hair from their bodies. Perhaps they wax, but all we can do is speculate while they show off their muscular tanned bodies and we sit on the couch making Speedo jokes. After all, they’re a bunch of grape smugglers and everybody knows it! They do however represent our country’s best hope of any medal success in Beijing.
There’s a lot to live up to in 2008 if the past year has been anything to go by, least of all on the Formula One circuit as people around the world lean over to the person next to them and say “That McLaren looks like a good new design. Reminds me a lot of the Ferrari, and I can’t imagine why”. But if we believe there haven’t been spies in Formula One for years then next you’ll be telling me that cyclists aren’t on drugs and the Williams sisters can’t spell testosterone injection. Indeed the Tour de France brought about so many drug scandals in 2007 that it’s difficult to know which one will be remembered years from now. It should be a new TV series where the CSI teams check all the riders. I’d start with the local hospitals and see who has come in for random blood transfusions during the afternoon. That might offer some clues especially if they bought some wax from the hospital pharmacy on the way out. Do swimmers and cyclists swap hair removal tips or do they compete and receive sponsorships from different corporations? These are the questions we should be asking, I tell you.
We also have young sportsmen coming out with autobiographies like that obnoxious twit Kevin ‘Look-At-Me’ Pietersen and Lewis ‘They-Took-Away-My-Licence’ Hamilton. How do you come out with an autobiography before your career ends and who does Mr Hamilton think he is? He has one season to his name and now he thinks he should come out with a book! Not even Michael Schumacher was that presumptuous and he thought the sun shone out his ass. Please preserve me from these overpaid prima donnas and their conceited life stories.
The final thing to look out for, as the Indian tour of Australia revealed, is more tongue lashings on the cricket field. Australians sledging on the cricket field? Surely not!, I hear you cry, but yet again our friends down under have had a war of words with their Indian opponents. Or what one Indian press officer referred to as verbal ding-dong that needs to be stopped. Either way, it’s an exciting year to look forward to and I’ll bring you some of my own verbal ding-dong to keep you entertained. Cheers to that!