From left field

by Timmy Hancox

Sorry my essay is late, I’ve been watching the Olympics. The fish-like Michael Phelps won his desired eight gold medals to add to the six he won in Athens. I’m not going to bore you with statistics or comparisons to Mark Spitz, but rather pose the question everyone has been ignoring. What kind of fish-hormone programme has he been the extraordinary experimental subject of? Phelps is, in fact, the missing link that separates us from aquatic creatures. Without his swimming cap on, his ears stick out in a manner that is close to replicating gills. If we can find a willing dolphin for him to breed with, then the two would spawn a mermaid. Either that or he was secretly grown in a military laboratory in South Carolina. Somewhere where they needed to create beings capable of crossing enemy lines through crevices in the ocean floor that lead to underground springs, which in turn lead to advanced water purification plants, which supply H2O to all armed forces outposts.

Together with the Jamaican contingent that brought the aptly named Usain Bolt into the world. A Usain Bolt. It sounds like something from a particularly frightening Highveld thunderstorm. Honestly, the 100 metres in 9.69 seconds is simply outrageous. Or as my friend Kiernan summed it up, “9.69 seconds, that’s like sex!”

What I want to know is, what would it take to convince him to switch nationalities and join the Springboks? Bring him back to Africa and add another number to the quota… wait sorry TARGET number of non-whites that we require. A simple skip pass out to the wing from the base of the scrum and Bolt is away, laughing has he cruises past All Black winger Sitiveni Sivivat-who?

Bad jokes aside, the Olympics is more entertaining than current rugby talk which makes me sad. Back to our friend Phelps, his diet would make Bakkies Botha blush and call for a doggy-bag. He is truly part-man, part-fish and evidently part-vacuum cleaner. Between his eating and swimming, where he finds the time to shave his legs is anybody’s guess. Yet, despite my reams of poppycock, Phelps is amazing, albeit in a fishy sort of way and as George W. famously said, “I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.”

Cheers to that.



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